Your bf’s bffs: are you insecure or intuitive?

Picture this. Your new boo introduces you to his best friend. You notice there’s an intimacy between them, an intimacy you don’t think you’ve experienced with him yet. Is it the intimacy of old friendship? Is it the intimacy of something more? Is the feeling in your chest saying “they are not just friends” or telling you to chill out on the insecurity? As someone who has been both the bff and the gf in this situation, I understand both sides—and, trust me, my intuition is NEVER wrong! Have no fear, though! I’m going to help you out with deciphering between a healthy skepticism and an unhealthy insecurity. Sometimes ya just gotta let that insecurity go, but other times you are completely justified in your apprehension. 

Alright, it’s story time. As a person who is close friends with a good amount of men, I can say that most of the time, the issue is insecurity. A friend I’ve known since I was a sophomore in high school started dating this girl—let’s call her Lisa—during my freshman year of college. Obviously, all of us were excited! We all love love! It was like finding out your brother just got a new partner. In fact, our friend, Johnny we’ll call him, was literally like a brother to me and the rest of our friends. Our excitement for our friend’s new love quickly dissipated, though. Lisa didn’t like us. She was fine with his “bros,” but with his women friends it was a total 180. She was uncomfortable with us taking pictures or making snaps with him. She wanted nothing to do us and wanted the same for Johnny. In her eyes, it was clear that at least one of us was secretly pining for him. It was one of those fantasies that was so ludicrous we couldn’t help but laugh. One of us? With Johnny? Seriously? After the laughter, my friends and I realized we were annoyed more than anything. We were ready to welcome her with wide arms. We wanted to be friends with her. We wanted to spill lukewarm tea about our shared companion and embarrass him like we would a younger brother. Safe to say that didn’t happen. Lisa caused a rift in the friendship, albeit a small one, while they were together. Alas, they broke up, as we imagined they would. It was a toxic relationship to say the least. 

So, what does this story tell you? Take a chill pill! People can just be friends. So often we want to be our significant other’s everything. We want to be their best friend. We want to be their lover. We want to be their alpha and their omega. That’s simply not healthy. Friendships matter and isolating your partner from these friendships is damaging emotionally. Before you start letting your mind get the best of you, try to take an objective inventory. If you clear your head a bit, you’ll probably realize you’ve just been bit by the green-eyed monster. Don’t worry, it’s happened to the best of us.

Around the same time my friends and I were dealing with Lisa’s drama, I was dealing with a similar situation. The guy I was dating at the time had a best friend that I was certain was in love with him. I’ve talked about this guy before in Girl Time Confessions: What All My Exes Taught Me. Michael, as I referred to him there, was the dude who randomly ghosted me after months of perfection and popped up on Snapchat kissing another girl the same day we were supposed to be going out. Before we got there, though, I had questioned him about his bff. 

“I understand because I’m the “best friend” too, so I don’t want to sound crazy…but has anything ever happened between you two,” I asked one day after doing some twitter stalking (look, we all make mistakes. Don’t judge me too harshly okay!). I was intentionally very calm when I brought it up, not trying to appear in any way like Lisa. I’ve also never been insecure in my relationships, so I knew the feeling I was feeling couldn’t just be that. 

The response I got, however, was a heated statement that led to a days-long argument. It was his reaction that further proved my thesis. “I just know they used to f**k,” I screamed at my sister, young and crazed. “Why else would he just snap like that?” Clearly, Michael and I patched things up because he would later break my heart in a different way. But, after we both calmed down, we had a conversation that satiated us both. 

The takeaway from this tale? If you’ve done your objective check and you still feel a nagging feeling, talk it out. Have a conversation. Relationships are complicated because people are complex. Don’t lash out and demand your boo cut off all ties. Now, there are some people who use the “best friend” story to cover up adultery. Some people are just horrible! But there’s a very thin line between insecurity and intuition. With situations like this, the first thing you must do is breathe. Look inward and ask yourself “does this sound logical? does this sound like me?” If you’re still worried, bring it up gently. Above all, try to place yourself in their shoes. What would you think of your actions if you were someone else?

cover image via Hello Giggles