The Key To Feeling More Sexually Confident
There are many things that can influence our relationship with sex – cultural and familial factors, body image, imposter syndrome, and trauma can all play a role in feeling less than stellar in bed. And if you’ve ever found yourself feeling self-conscious during intimate acts or about your sexual performance, know that it’s completely natural. Whether it’s because of a religious upbringing, harmful comments made about your body (by yourself or others), or sexual trauma, there are ways to unlearn those negative thought patterns to boost your self-confidence and rewrite your sexual narrative before you get intimate again.
Sexual confidence requires inner work and dedication to being you. It’s not about knowing all the right positions or being the best partner they’ve ever had. In fact, it has much more to do with emotional healing and communication.
Here are some of our favorite ways to feel more sexually confident to get the most out of your intimate acts.
Get Connected to Your Body
Many of us who express dissatisfaction with our sexual confidence point towards a sense of dissatisfaction with our own bodies. Whether we think ourselves too fat, too thin, or just not good enough for others, these negative thought patterns often show up in the unlikeliest of places – including physical intimacy. And while it might be hard to challenge them, the good news is that simply becoming aware of them is a good first step.
To deepen your connection with your physical body (and often, your ability to receive pleasure) it’s important to pay attention to your feelings, physical sensations, and any limiting beliefs you might have to surround the act of sex. This might be uncomfortable, but that’s okay – this is a good time to break out a journal, or, if you’re uncovering trauma, connect with a professional.
To get started taking inventory of your feelings and uncovering the narrative you’ve formed for yourself around intimacy, journal about your past experiences with sex – whether that’s your first conversations with your parents or your first intimate act. Write down any “facts” you may have learned from these conversations or experiences, and work to challenge them. Do you view sex as “dirty”, or otherwise “immoral”? Do you consider your lack of experience a hindrance? Write these ideas down and then rework them in a way that challenges them. After all, your perceptions about yourself often aren’t true, and working to find your inner truth will often help you feel more confident in your experience with your own sexuality.
Get to Know Yourself Intimately
It’s important to remember that our physical body is a way to express one’s self and receive pleasure, and having a poor relationship with it (or just not knowing what you like) does us a huge disservice. If you don’t love your body and know how to please it, how can you expect the same from others?
Whether you’re in a relationship or not, don’t be afraid to experiment with self-pleasure. After all, self-stimulation is a great way to connect with yourself and it comes with tons of physical benefits, too. Masturbating is a great way to relax, get better sleep, and strengthen your pelvic muscles along the way. It’s also a great way to prove to yourself that you’re worthy of sexual pleasure – especially when orgasm gaps are so prevalent.
Start by setting a comfortable, intimate environment for yourself, and make exploring the goal, rather than achieving orgasm. Try out different sorts of strokes, paces, toys, and touch erogenous zones that you may have overlooked in the past. You can even put on a sexy lingerie set to get you in the mood! It’s so important to know how our beautiful bodies work, and what turns us on and what doesn’t. By making an effort to learn what pleasures ourselves, we can bring these learnings to partnered sex and have a more appreciative, loving sexual experience along the way.
Explore Your Interests
Having a lack of sexual confidence doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Often, your past memories, experiences, and feelings around sex come together to inhibit sexual pleasure in a variety of settings. More simply, you might just not know what you like!
Before you engage in partnered sex, take some time to explore what really turns you on. If you’d like to try out new toys, go for it! If a certain kink interests you, try it out!
If you’d like to explore your interests with a partner, consider taking a trip to a sex store. It’s a great experience for both of you and is a great way to learn about what each of you likes while fostering open communication. Try to be present in the moment, and take note of any negativity that might come up. Does seeing a certain body type or a sexual act on the packaging give you anxiety? Take note of it and explore the why behind it later. The more you get to know about yourself and your views surrounding intimacy, the more confident you’ll be when it comes time to receive pleasure.
Communicate
Sex is an important part of our lives and our overall well-being. Aside from the simple act of reproduction, engaging in intercourse can be a pleasurable act, one that builds intimacy with your partner, and even provides physical and mental health benefits. And while it may be considered taboo at times, it’s important to talk about it (especially with your partner) to ensure happy and healthy relationships.
Now that you have a better understanding of your body, needs, and your favorite ways to receive pleasure, it’s important to share that information with your partner. Setting healthy boundaries (and making note of any triggers) is important to get out of the way before you engage in any sexual acts. It’s also a great way to get past any insecurities you might have. Your partner will be there to provide reassurance and help you rewrite the narrative that’s causing you to be less confident in bed.
While building your sexual confidence may seem like an overwhelming task, it’s important to remember to be patient with yourself. Uncover your history, challenge your limiting beliefs and communicate your wants and needs when it comes to intimate acts. Don’t forget to be kind. When you don’t put pressure on yourself, everything will work out just as it should.