Meditation is Medication... Not Everyone Has the Same Prescription...
As a student, I hated group work, that trickled down towards spiritual enlightenment. There is a group energy of acceptance or denial and I just want to do my own thing, always. I was never drawn to take a class or join group meditation. I take my spiritual work seriously, it is a personal journey through trauma and pain that is unique for each individual. Over the days of quarantine, I was invited to be a part of a virtual “Breathwork” class by my coworker. I accepted the invitation despite knowing myself well enough; I wouldn't be fully submerged in the class, but I wanted to support my co-worker through the journey.
It began at 11am, a decent time and I already finished my meditation for the day. Through Google Hangout, people associated with my coworker were coming online. We chatted a little bit and then my coworker began to go through what breathwork entails. He mentioned that there may be tingling in the hands, cramping, visions, memory recollection, emotional release, and a bunch of other things to look out for while focusing on the inhale and exhale of breath.
As the class began, everyone had their tummies close to the screen, which I declined because I did not shave my happy trail, therefore I was self conscious and would not be able to focus on the meditation. It was already asking a lot to be on the floor, with others I do not know ,watching from their screens. The work began and my coworker guided us through the 30 minute breath exercise. All breaths that were taken through the mouth and released the same way, like a fish gulping the water to filter through its gills. We were instructed to fill our stomachs with air and then release at any pace that felt comfortable.
I tried my best to get through it, I breathed differently, I let whatever motions my body wanted to do to exude freely. I gave it my best shot, I did recall a triggering memory. It took me back to my five year old self, telling my mother to breathe, as she was going into labor with one of my siblings. At that point I was able to connect with my breath and I began to cry and laugh. I realized that I knew about breathwork, before I knew about breathwork. It confirmed that I was on a spiritual journey long before I made the conscious decision to seek out enlightenment.
30 minutes came and went, everyone had something to share. I shared what I already knew, I shared the power that was confirmed today. I got the vibe after sharing what I said, that people may have thought I was coming from a superior place, but this is why I do not like group work. Why should my light dim, why should I have to skate around saying that I think I am powerful. If that was my realization, that was my realization. Right?
I say this to say, there are so many different frequencies that may be projected in a group. Some may be accepted, some may not, and both think they are right. That is why I do the work for myself and by myself. I do believe in communal time and spaces, but there are certain journeys that must be done alone, in order to be fully accepted without judgement, or the need of approval for someone else. I also found after the breathwork, my breathing became a bit traumatized, because now my breath was connected with the memory of that class. Breathwork is not for me, but I'm glad I tried it,I am happy I confirmed what I already knew.
cover image via The Well Acupuncture
