The Sweet, The Angry, and The Wacko: The Bachelor: Week 3 Recap (1/21)
What do we think of the season so far? Is Colton starting to grow on you now that he’s showing some personality as the bachelor? Be sure to leave your thoughts in the comments below - we love hearing what our readers think!
Week 3 here we go! Kicking it off with a group date and we’re entering a pirate scene wherein Captain Colton breaks up a horribly staged fight between two shipmates. “Hey you two knuckleheads!” Yikes, cringe. Then two pirates spouting greetings of “Aye aye!” direct the ladies to get dressed as lady pirates and battle each other in a series of challenges, ultimately “competing for Captain Colton’s heart.” (Could this be a fantasy of Colton’s he finally gets to live out?)
ANYWAY we are laughing hysterically at someone throwing their turkey leg at the two girls competing in the final round at the performance meant to be carried out in front of an audience. Man do producers love to have everyone humiliated in front of a crowd (in case getting the crap beat out of you with spongy pirate weapons in front of the hopefully-soon-to-be love of your life wasn’t enough... just in case.)
A little foreboding soon to come, however, with our two pageants queens/clawed devils. Did I type that out loud? There’s now been ongoing tension rising between Caelynn and Hannah B., and we’re getting substantial foreboding that something’s about to go down soon. Stay tuned.
I’m loving Colton with Katie. She’s not only gorgeous, but her delicate combination of fun, sexy, and honest (“I like you,” she says to him simply. Why don’t women say that more to men? They love hearing it! Cut the shy crap and tell em what’s up.)
I’m over Demi and Tracy (Traci?) so I don’t even wanna waste time breaking down their low-key catfights. THEN Demi and her weird kinkiness!!!!!!! WHAEROIGHWOIEHGRVOPIAUERHGTPU9OEHFDSPOUHFAPOUEHRGPFOVNAPOED!!!!
Colton clearly is not having it and is not impressed by her antics. I’m getting amusement-to-politely-cover-up-his-annoyance vibes. Thoughts?
Back at the house, the front door knocks and Nicole’s face melts into the most flabbergasted expression knowing a date cards await the other side, and I am losing it. Redheaded cougs Elyse, gets the next one-on-one card! That’s a “YAY” from me. She carries herself with a coolness only the more seasoned folks in life have earned. Let’s see what’s coming.
Thennnn back on the group date, Caelynn gets her one-on-one time with Colton and you can absolutely see how they’re nuts about each other. They’re snuggled up like a high schoolers ,and the giddiness is mutual. Colton’s sharing his forthrightness about his feelings with her in such a way he only has with maybe only three other girls (makes ya feel just downright special, doesn’t it?)
But with Hannah B., the whole situation is frustrating. When she pulls Colton aside to announce her rendition of her “she’s not here for the right reasons” schpeil, both her description of her falling out with Caelynn and his reaction to the news, were equally frustrating. She kept dancing around the subject without offering any specifics, leaving the poor guy confused as hell. But then Colton clearly isn’t handling his first spat well - the body language is completely negative - it’s understandable to be frustrated, but seriously did we not realize this would be happening with multiple women vying for your affections, C-note? I wish he would put his foot down and be more firm. R.I.P. to the Sean Lowes of the world, whose kindness perfectly balanced his refusal to take crap from anyone...he was truly a unicorn and will be missed by the single community.
On Elyse and Colton’s one-on-one, they have the whole Belmont Park amusement park to themselves and are swarmed by children who they get to run around and play with for the day. I’m crying. This is the cutest. Some have special needs so of course this plays up on Colton’s love of kids and simultaneously tests Elyse’s knack for kids. The girl’s passing with flying colors.
Colton’s talking to three little girls on a spinny-ride and asks them if they have boyfriends, and the middle girl replied distastefully that a boy kissed her on the lips. She is clearly not impressed. She deserves better and she knows it. She is my spirit animal.
Alright is it just us, or does Colton selectively speak with a lisp?? He turns it on every once in a while but only every once in a while...anyone else hearing this….anyone…? Anyway, Elyse is a beautiful woman and her outfit is poppin but I would have picked a different top for roller coasters if you know what I mean. At their dinner date, we see a new side to her wherein she shares that her sister passed away giving birth, while having cancer….feels. He definitely appreciates her death and newfound perspective on life and priorities.
Wow...Colton’s response to Elyse hinting that the night’s almost over. “Oh you think we’re done?” SEXIEST. LINE. OF. THE. SHOW. Someone feel free to repeat aforementioned line to yours truly...I wouldn’t slap you for it.
Colton’s dancing is certainly not Blake’s, but I appreciate the effort. Dates ending with a concert always give me all the feels because that’s the perfect date to me.
via Billboard
Group date #2 I can definitely get on board with! What better way to settle pre-date jitters than throwing yourself into a Crossfit-style sweat sesh? Absolutely perfect. Also iloveTerryCruz so so glad he’s leading this group date with his wifey. Any bad feels of losing the upcoming competition or missing out on alone time with the Head Honcho himself is instantly placated by a delicious rush of endorphins. Win.
Fitting choice for a date, especially because I don’t believe Colton’s main pick is in this group. Cassie is looking like a strong frontrunner, but the rest are sailing along until their inevitable dismissal to go home-
FORGET WHATEVER MY LAST THOUGHT WAS BECAUSE COLTON AND CASSIE TOGETHER IS EVERYTHING. Colton is loving his blondiessssss and his makeout sesh with her against the wall is my life and a half and I can’t stop squealing. The sparks fly as he says endearingly “You’re cute and funny and awkward and sexy.” That tells me 1.) I’m hearing a guy tell a beautiful girl that doubts herself that he sees her for her and accepts it, and 2.) he’s also incredibly attracted to her and nuts about her. She is a bombshell of a blonde with girl-next-door demeanor and works with children as a profession? Homegirl’s making it to hometowns for sure.
Post commercial break we’re at the mansion with everyone in their glasses and sweatpants and tensions are rising going into the cocktail party. You knowwwww we’ve got something about to blow up between Caelynn and Hannah B., and how else do you facilitate optimum environment for that than by throwing a pool party? Multiple colorful gyrating tan bodies all wriggling their way toward Colton’s. What could possibly go south here?
My wish came true and he finally sneaks away to get some alone time with Hannah G., and all our fears are settled when he tells her he’s confident in what they have and they share a passionate kiss. Yay.
But the ongoing spitting match between Hannah B., and Caelynn with dear sweet Colton stuck in the middle? Not yay. This confusion is dragging on to the point that Colton stomps off to vent to Chris Harrison and the producers about how confused and frustrated he is trying to deciper two opposite narratives of who’s here for the right reasons.
The end credits scene, by the way, is the bestttttt way to cap off the episode. We’ve got all the little girls cutting in with each other to steal away time with Colton, clearly spoofing the behavior of the women at every cocktail party and group date. BROW. NIE. POINTS. L.O.L.
What did we think of episode three? Who will Colton pick? And what is it that drives Colton to jump this symbolic fence? Stay tuned to find out.
cover image via ABC
