The Bachelor: Week 1 Recap - The Virgin Record Is Broken, Someone Change It, Thanks.
The season we’ve been waiting for with bated breath since August...and we’re off to a much-anticipated start. Whatever your opinions are on Colton, we still have ourselves a solid group of girls for week one - entirely wholesome and admirable they are not (what do you expect from reality TV?), but a few are, from the sneak peek intro bios we’re given, and nearly all 30 of them are stunning. A speech pathologist who loves kiddos? A sweetheart looking after her Autistic brother? Definitely more than one Tia-wannabe Southern belle who’s gonna play on Colton’s thing for Tia-types? How will he possibly choose??? Let’s start the breakdown of episode one, dished via the hyper-critical-but-always-hopeful lense of yours truly.
HERE WE GO.
OMG FEELS with all the OG Bachelor/Bachelorette couples that are a) still together b) married not engaged for 720456757 years (coughcoughKaitlynandShawncough…), and 3) have babies. Where are Sean and Catherine? Though they did make an appearance on a recent season with their cutie pie lil baby boy, their absence this year is probably b/c Sean chose to throw some major shade at the franchise instead. Pew pew!
Ok this hot tub party is awk af. Seriously...a red carpet roped line leading to the entrance? Can we not? I see enough of @CoachCrystal and the Goose on Insta and LinkedIn (her profile, by the way, is titled “CEO of Coach Crystal”.....?) Can I also point out that holding microphones whilst submerged in a hot tub = v smart move, v smart life decision indeed.
FIRST LIMO. FINALLY.
The first woman to step out the limo is cutie pie Demi, in an adorable canary yellow dress. Aaaaaaaand she ruined a good moment with the first and worst of virgin jokes. ‘Bye. We all knew those were coming, but that was poorly delivered and just cringe.
Thhhhhhehheeeeeeeeeeehehhehee slooooooooooooooooothhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh isssss piissssinnggggg meeeee oooooooooooooooffffffffffff.
Okay a few girls are actually pretty solid, and Colton randomly has a personality now? But only around a select few. Hannah G, we love. Cassie is a SWEETHEART. I’m not biased but Colton please pick her.
LOL to the Tia dig by making sure Miss Alabama wasn’t from Arkansas when she asked him where he thought she was from. Dab on ‘em.
OMG sick girl is giving me all feels, she gets all the brownie points for pulling a card (get it? Get it???) from Love Actually! Creative and cute, that’s always what the women need to go for when crafting up their first impressions with the already-overwhelmed bachelor.
FAKE ACCENT GIRL HAS GOT TO GO. NOW. Fake accent is replacing the dramatic hair color change as the siren warning for “unstable.”
Stop everything bc the Cinderella beats everyone for Best Entrance k thnx bye. This girl pulls all the strings for a horse and carriage, stepping out in a true Cinderella blue gown, and leaving her shoe for him as a reminder to come find her. SO DARLING. (But he ends up sending her home??? And the satanic producers literally leave a pumpkin on the outside walkway as a prop of mockery as she does the walk of shame out of the Mansion?? Clearly you’re not Prince Charming Mr. Underwood so whatever moving on, we’re not bitter.)
And in all the excitement I’ve nearly forgotten about First Impression Rose. Leave it to Chris Harrison to roll up dropping that reminder. Where would we be without him!!
First kiss of the night was rushed, and probably spoon fed from behind the cameras by the thirsty af producers. Gag. WHY did it have to be with Fake-o-rama pageant queen from North Carolina? And we have ourselves the token pretty girl who right away catches the bachelor’s eye but ends up causing trouble later, after which point he keeps her around long enough to leave all of us on a nail-biting edge, wondering if we’re about to suffer through another season of the guy picking someone truly awful, while the good girl that everyone loves goes home with her head hung low and tears streaming down her face.
Where was I?
“So what did you get to do with your internship with ABC? How did the first night go?”
“Well, I had to set up all the props, games and equipment for Tayshaland. Then I had to usher in a string quartet for this other chick who hired them to play for her and Colton to dance to (when we all know Colton CANNOT dance, thank u next). And then they wouldn’t let me go home until that little Pomeranian went potty so I had to walk this geriatric dog she brought to the house around and around until it went. Those were my internly duties.”
Sloth girl is getting some facetime with Colton. The girls have some words.
But this is the quote of the evening: “I want her to rip off that sloth head and be a boss ass bitch.” RE. TWEET.
Catherine’s tea mug is my spirit animal. Or did she steal it from the sick girl who actually needed it because she lost her voice and could use some honey and chamomile?
Her fourth time swooping in for time alone with him, however, is not. Colton can we plz man up and put your damn foot down? Enough is enough. And why she smiling directly at the camera like she owns the show??
About time, after 17 years with the show Chris Harrison finally gets a tribute.
Young Chris, sassy Chris, playful Chris, silly Chris. Chris!! All these sides to you we never get to see! This is a treat.
Only five girls got sent home, and maybe three of the five didn’t even get air time so it was a relatively small blow, but Cinderella getting sent home was crushing.
And then we cap it off with the sequence of lavish B-roll footage and snippets from episodes to come. All the crying...the glorious crying!! From him and the girls! And then the fantasy suite commentary! Again, we all know that the whole world is losing their sh*t over his virginity and losing it to the right person and blah blah blah, but now fantasy suites have never seemed more gross to me… “Step right up, ladies! We’ll now be having a competition where the prize is night ONE for fantasy suites with Colton. That’s right, the winner gets to bed this football stud FIRST! Are we ready???” Yack.
And the wall jump! Colton’s already caused quite the row about his wall jump. Also do we love, or do we love, that Chris Harrison and the producers and the whole calvary (complete with search dogs. Search dogs!! Or is that just sound bites of barking to amp up the hype? Nothing is beneath these people) jump the fence and dive into the woods after him to search for their ratings crown jewel as he takes off into the dark?
And that’s the end.
Suffice it to say that this season is going to be all kinds of right. And all kinds of wrong. But definitely full of all the things. My bracket is filled and my fingers are crossed. Who do you think he’ll pick in the end?
Cover image via Refinery29