A Home Run For The First KISS: The Bachelor: Episode 5 Recap
This week had some wonderful highlights, and because I’m finding the “drama” components this season especially dull and unoriginal, let’s focus on those highlights, shall we? So like the Black Eyed Peas, let’s get it started.
First one on one this week is Heather, Miss Never Been Kissed, and the producers must have known this uncomfortable episode would coincide with the Super Bowl and their pointedly uncomfortable commercials that left all my friends’ mouths (and mine) agape - because this date had me feeling very much the same way.
If the magnification of this poor girl’s lack of a milestone, so publicly and unnecessarily emphasized, wasn’t enough, these devilish producers are making a further spectacle of the elephant in the room. Cue the deafening and timely silences, crickets sound effects at the best (worst?) possible times, and, naturally, the onslaught of zooming in on Colton’s lips, and the perceived implication of Heather’s frequent glances at them. I have no words.
But the kiss happened! Hey, win or lose, how many of us get to say our first kiss ever was televised? Under fireworks? Rose in hand? In Southeast Asia? With 254 pounds of hunking masculine flesh surrounding your petite feminine frame, assuring you that the world is right and nothing bad will ever happen to you? Hmmm?
Must be nice. Mine was when I was fourteen and I was shivering in some guy’s beat up car, in December. In small town America. With a Mike (we all have a Mike…) In case anyone was wondering.
I digress…
Pretty darn magical kiss, and Heather certainly didn’t make this look like her first one. As Colton put it, it seemed perfectly “natural.” I’m tickled for them.
Group date! I’m wondering how much wilderness-hopping, or pirate ship jumping, or CrossFit-going Colton plans to undergo in his marriage, but my guess would be a LOT. The group date themes seem to follow a certain pattern here, and my theory is testing his potential mate’s ability to sweat it out as much as he does, and survive as well as he can.
via ABC
Honey, who needs to help a former NFL linebacker survive? Yo’ job is to keep ME safe. All I’m saying. Other than an eyes-widening moment with Hannah Alabama eating a worm a little too eagerly, I’m underwhelmed by this group date (and none of these girls are my favorite for the final pick). Moving on!
C-A-S-S-I-E. What’s that spell?? The most long-awaited one-on-one date e-v-e-r. I’d like to reference a guest on last week’s episode of Nick Viall’s podcast. As a former Bachelor himself, his take on all the goings- on behind the scenes is riveting. But this guest who spoke of Colton’s kisses described them as “juicy.”
I must admit he’s right on point, because Colton does appear to be an incredible kisser. He takes his time, is deliberate, passionate, and delicate. Yes to all. And few times do we witness this with more gusto and rigor than when he’s smooching Cassie. Suffice it to say this was basically the entire date, but no cares given: this was the most romantic and hottest date of the season by a whopping gridiron.
Dangggg.
He’s also not snuggled in bed with anyone else, and so do I think this was a coincidence that there just so happened to be a bed at their disposal on their date?
Does a bear poop in the woods?I am cleansed, exonerated, revived, and my hope in humanity and romance restored, following this date. It is everything I wanted and so much more.
So the next group date is hardly worth a mention. More cattiness unfolds as girls allow their boredom or insecurities of lacking Colton’s attention get the better of them. So they turn to sabotaging each other’s time with him to fill their time. A tale as old as time.
THEN, next week, we Colton and Hannah G. will finally get their one-on-one, too! I’m shook.
What do you think will happen next?
cover via Cosmopolitan
