Rihanna Wants You to Buy $38 Body Glitter.....Are Celeb Products Dummy Proof?
That’s right. The beauty staple traditionally favored by strippers and sixth graders who can’t wear makeup, gets repackaged with a fancy schmancy new Fenty label: Diamond Bomb. I know. If the name alone doesn’t make you want to put it in your virtual shopping cart and stalk it until it goes on sale, it’ll be this guy. But really, who else besides the Bad Gal can tell us to pay the equivalent of eight grande pumpkin spice lattes for a compact full of glitter? When it comes to getting hyped into buying things we don’t need, it turns out any celebrity can make us shell out cash for a chance to look a little more like them.
Rihanna’s Body Lava
After discovering, lusting after, and ultimately dismissing Rih’s Diamond Bomb as an ordinary product with extraordinary marketing, I really wanted to hate her Body Lava. It’s a creamy kind of shimmer, kind of like a bronzer, kind of neither. I stared at swatches on various skin tones and was amazed that every single forearm looked like that of a Roman deity. Rihanna also graced us with a close-up tutorial on how to apply it, with her $34 kabuki brush of course. It made her already supple shoulder iridescent like the sun on the Caribbean Sea….but it’s $32, so eff that. If you need a golden glow with a sophistication that a body glitter can’t provide, try CYO Bronzing Shimmer Oil Gift Of Gold. It’s YouTube beauty vlogger approved and even if it doesn’t work for you, you’d only be out seven bucks.
Gwyneth Paltrow’s Wellness Supplements
Gwyneth “vaginal eggs” Paltrow has taken more than a few hits for her products on Goop, a brand we still can’t tell is serious or not. Part of the confusion lies in her overreaching products, ones that claim to do everything but spoon you to sleep. One of these alleged super products is her “The Mother Load” vitamin pack that seeks to make before, during and after pregnancy (basically your whole life) less of a drag. According to the Goop website the regimen provides women with “...extra support for getting new and not so new moms back on their feet.” In return, you provide Gwyneth with $75 per month. That is, until you remember that there are vitamins at your local drugstore for a fraction of the cost, but that some studies show that common vitamin supplements do little to nothing for your health.
Kylie Cosmetics’ Lip Kit
I know, I know, blasphemy. It’s not that the lipstick isn't the perfect Instagram-able matte. Or that buying a new kit before it sells out in four seconds hasn’t become the disciplined sport we’ve all come to appreciate. But let's keep it 100--there is no shade, or finish, or Kardashian sister collab that will make your lips look like Kylie’s. For that you’ll need, um, puberty, as Kylie said in April of 2015. If puberty passed and didn't bless you with a pout, then you can try temporary lip fillers, as she admitted to using in May of 2015. If you still don’t have the plump you crave and are too smart to try the Kylie Jenner Lip Challenge, then you can try the ol’ over lining of the lips trick she swears by. That is, if we can take her word for it.
Cindy Crawford’s Youth Activating Melon Serum
Only those of us who binged on late night infomercials as kids may be up on this one, though her entire Meaningful Beauty skincare line is still going strong. For those who missed the initial rollout, let me explain: Crawford, the Bella Hadid of her day, had a dermatologist friend who found a way to capture her beauty in a bottle. The big selling point was the melon extract inside. Somehow the fruit we avoid in parfaits costs a lot to extract skin-loving stuff from, as it sells individually for a whopping $76 per ounce. Still, if I had to trust a youth serum from anyone, it wouldn’t be a woman from an industry that forces the average model to retire in their late twenties.
Don’t get me wrong--expensive beauty products have a place in the average girl’s makeup bag, and a celebrity product is all the more appealing. They let us fantasize about bringing home a tiny piece of what makes them sparkly, well-rested moms with round lips and a youthful honeydew glow. But, you're probably not those things most of the time. And neither are they. So if you must buy an overpriced beauty product, make sure your pumpkin spice latte budget is up to par first. Priorities, ladies.
Cover via Sephora