Five Foolhardy Ways To Handle Disappointment In Dating
Heartbreak. It’s one of those things we all go through, but does that make it any easier? It helps that we don’t have to go through this alone, because a broken heart every now and then, is just part of life – without exception, in our dating lives. And they can range from feeling like the rainy day blues, to such devastation that we wonder how we’ll ever leave the house again. (Thankfully there’s Gelatti, sherpa blankets, and How to Be Single to usher us back into our old selves again.
But we don’t ever really go back to our old selves after heartbreak, do we? Romantic setbacks have a way of pulling us into a rock and a hard place - we never stop wanting to be loved by someone special in our lives, and yet we also carry all our baggage as we set up shop in the next relationship. We’ve been hurt before, and we know that by opening up to the next search of the real deal, we can be hurt again. But when we carry those scars around with us like weapons or shields rather than opportunities to learn and grow, it hurts our other relationships when we need to be moving forward.
Dating should be fun and a chance to keep learning - honesty hour, we all need to be a little more emotionally self-aware than our foolish, Svedka-guzzling nineteen-year-old selves that made out with half of Sigma Pi in college, maybe even in the same night at the same toga party (honestly people, what compelled us to think that was okay?) It’s not something to be afraid of, and it’s normal to experience rejection. Unless you bar up at home behind blackout curtains living on Amazon Prime and savagely chopping out all sources of pain and betrayal - and all chances at meaningful and joyful relationships as a result - it is p a r t of l i f e. Therefore, this reality should have no power over whether you decide to leave the house and live your life.
Gals, the buck freaking stops here. It’s time to own your new shit and drop your old shit. Accept that things can and will go wrong and you will not be stopped from living your best life.
So next time things go awry, consider these four ways to bounce back from heartache woes.
Acknowledge that it may not be you
Ever wonder why your sister snapped at you for drinking the last of the almond milk, only to find out later that she’d just had the worst day ever at work? It’s time to put on the same thinking cap when it comes to the men we like.
I used to think ghosting someone was horribly rude and inconsiderate. I don’t anymore. If he’s not expressed any sort of commitment to you, that doesn’t mean the rest of what’s happening to him goes on pause for you. Life still happens and you never know where he’s chosen to stand loyal. He could have just lost a loved one, had an ex return back into his life, or met someone else: all of which are circumstances out of your power and unrelated to you. Whether that guy’s motives were or weren’t those things, what’s it to you? The guy showed you he’s not sticking around, for any level of commitment. Pack your buh-bye bags and move the heck on.
Acknowledge that it may BE you
If you cringe at that, grow some brass ovaries and suck it up, buttercup! On the real though, this is another pill we all need to swallow: We are not for everyone, and not everyone is for us. If a guy’s not feeling it after going on a date with you, the end! So what!! It’s not the end of the world, just the end of that path with that person - and it does not make you any less awesome unless you let it. If everyone were harmonious and were able to be compatible with everybody else, how boring would that be?
Communicate your standards and boundaries
Does he constantly blow off plans with you? Getting angry is your next no-no. To start, don’t let yourself reach a point of constantly getting blown off. It’s time to roll out the no-questions-asked Three Strikes policy. He shows up late? It happens. Got held up in traffic a second time? I mean I live in D.C., so I for surezies get that. But he’s late to hang with you again and there seem to be no signs of him amending his behavior, drop that sucker like it’s hot and move onto the next guy who’s asking you out (because y’already got another date lined up, ‘cause you fine, like a glass of wine hunnie!)
Girls tend to get outwardly pissed at their guys, thinking that rings loud and clear what their boundaries mean, and then forgive these guys and keep letting them walk all over them. That is a nasty pattern and it does NOT get you what you want. First of all, anger is not attractive when a guy’s getting to know you. That does not mean you’re not allowed to ever be angry. But when he sees that he can get under your skin and extract an emotional reaction out of you, it does show him he has that power over you.
So. Solution time. Instead of getting mad, get woke. (lol. Still have mixed feelings about that word.) Maya Angelou once said that when people show you their true selves, believe them. Preach. So when your guy’s being a total Chad and clearly putting you on the back burner, accept this as reality, not something that deserves an emotional flare up from you. And if he still tries to slide up in your DM’s after another bailed date, you can reply with this:
“Hey, I really like hanging out with you, and I think we’ve got a great thing going here. But you seem preoccupied with other things. My time is important to me, so I’ve made other plans tonight.”
Not mean, not savage, not angry. But it is firm, honest, and respectable. You’re not letting him off the hook, and you’re not losing your cool with him, either. This also gives him a window to either step up his game or keep on being the lazy turd he is and move onto the next doormat he is clearly looking for. Then you can avoid wasting any more time with him.
Go after what you want - and chop out your obstacles
As women we crush it in all kinds of life: savagely scouring the sale racks for the best deals to take home, bearing all the world’s chilluns, getting it done at the office, paying those bills on time, overall being all i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t. But when it comes to our love lives, we let ourselves get only selectively confident and completely suck at dating! How can we kill it in a big work presentation and then completely melt our confidence when we go on a date with someone?
No more, I say. No more hanging onto guys we know aren’t good for us but we hang onto them because we’re afraid of being alone. No more believing we don’t deserve or will never find better, and so we never do. No more allowing excuses that are keeping you from finding a great guy. No. More. Settling.
I’ll cap it all off with this final thought. There is nothing wrong with going on a date with a guy - you’re getting to know him, and it may be too early to know whether he’s a good egg. But when he doesn’t earn date #2 and you let him have it anyway, that’s no bueno. The faster you learn to cut off the men who show you red flags early (instead of ignoring them or rationalizing them...we’ve all done it), the sooner you’ll be available to receive the great guy that’s going to treat you right.
Now go forth and boss it up, ladies.
Cover Via Some E Cards