Coachella 2018: Looks That Didn't Get The Memo...
There are a lot of things I don’t understand about Coachella: the constant-rotation of seemingly endless musicians I’ve never heard of, the weirdly elaborate (or sparse) set design, the fact that Bella Thorne somehow gets invited, et cetera. Nevertheless, Coachella is certainly as much a music festival as it is a tramping ground for the year’s hottest styles. That being said, let’s get into this slaughterhouse.
Bella Thorne
This look is certainly evocative (or a blatant rip-off?) of Rihanna’s infamous 2014 Swarovski-crystal encrusted Adam Selman gown (never forget). However, no metallic hat or pair of pink Gucci sunglasses can save Bella Thorne from herself. In SAT terms, Bella Thorne to the fashion community is like me to the try-on liquid lipsticks at Sephora: completely and utterly reckless. Like most things in life, unsurprisingly, Rihanna did it better.
Bella Hadid
It’s one of the more pedestrian looks of the festival, sure- but Coachella is all about risk-taking. B.H. can try and emulate every 90’s supermodel that’s ever lived all she wants, but it just comes across as wholly prosaic. I will commend her for wearing a scrunchie, though (of which I’ve been trying to bring back for the past five years).
Taylor Hill
Mermaid-esque inspired couture has been out the minute it came in. This wouldn’t be so egregious of a look, but the Converse certainly broke this outfit. It screams more “I’m in the sixth grade and my mom let me do my makeup for the spring dance- I’m so ready to slow-dance with my crush to a Jesse McCartney song!” rather than “2018 Coachella,” you know what I mean?
Emily Ratajkowski
I legitimately think I wore this same outfit during our high school’s production of The Crucible. Nevertheless, this is a look that’s both, like, way too extra and also way too bland at the exact same time. Every time I look at it, I feel like she’s going to jump out of my laptop screen and accuse me of witchcraft. Honestly, when I write my version of The Village that’s set in 2005-era Manhattan, this will be the main image in my moodboard.
Nicki Minaj
At this point in time, I honestly think celebrities are going out of their way to dress like this just to mock me. The cheetah print? The TASSELS? This was very clearly picked out in the back storage room of a Claire’s.
Aimee Song
I have no idea who this is but the minute I realized her vintage tour shirt was LIONEL RICHIE I actually laughed out loud. You know, band tee’s are, like, ALL the rage these days. Metallica, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden… the man who sang “Endless Love…?”
Cara Santana
Hey! Another person I do not know. I briefly held off in including her in this because I didn’t want to criticize a child, but then I looked her up and found out she’s literally THIRTY-FOUR YEARS OLD and now I don’t feel as bad, but I’m also freaking out about how I’m 16 years younger than her and look about 20 years older. Anyways: I hate this Rolling Stones rip-off shirt and you should too.
Rachel Zoe
I’ve never understood how Rachel Zoe makes bank as a ~celebrity stylist~ since all she does is put people in white dresses with a wedge sandal for any event ever. Seriously. Remember that Manhattanite remake of The Village I was talking about? This is also a costume for that.
Kylie Jenner
Kylie, Kylie, Kylie. I want to know what she, like, does about this kind of stuff, you know? Does she just wake up in the morning and decide “I’m going to wear tan leather on tan leather and nobody’s going to stop me?” I mean, this is absolutely atrocious, but you know what? I can appreciate her ballsy attitude in that respect. Game recognizes game, even when said game is (again) wearing tan leather on tan leather.
Daphne Groeneveld
Can I just say that this year’s Coachella looks are B-O-R-I-N-G? Seriously, though, I’m not even playing. If you walked into any American Eagle in about 2011 you can bet your ass you saw somebody dressed like this. Is it Manic Pixie Dream Girl? Is it Tomboy Chic? It’s hard to say.
Amber Rose
I was about to make a joke like “This is like if TRON: Legacy was made in the ‘80s” but then I remembered that the original TRON was literally made in the ‘80s so I guess I really played myself. But, hey, real talk: if Amber Rose can take a break from her NASCAR pit crew to chill at Coachella, can’t we all be there, too?
Jhene Aiko
I am NOT here for this, mainly because a hoodie is probably one of the worst things you could ever wear to Coachella. a) It’s hot, b) it’s lazy, c) it’s hot and d) it’s HOT. Is Jhene Aiko secretly a lizard or something? How is she not reduced to a puddle of sweat?
Dove Cameron
SHE WORE UGG SLIDES TO COACHELLA! That was a conscious, adult choice this woman made! I am in absolute shock. If thirteen-year-old me knew Ugg slides were a thing, I’d wear them all day: to the mall, to fourth-period biology, so on and so forth. I’m still mentally going through this as I’m typing. She… she wore Ugg slides?....
Jordyn Woods
I just want tube tops to die. Is that too much to ask? Really? They’ve legitimately never looked good, ever. Pairing them with sneakers certainly doesn’t help, either. All this look does is reinforce my point that Coachella fashion is now boring and nothing is right with this world.
Inanna
Inanna dresses like I did when Forever 21 started carrying Tumblr-goth clothing circa 2014. The hat? Check. The fishnets? Check. The stripes? Check. The completely-impractical-for-the-desert boots? Check. To be fair, though, this fit would be totally fine if Coachella was put on, in, like, wherever they filmed Wild Wild Country.